...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
