you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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