I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
