in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
