My first STD was from a foam party
I can text with my tongue
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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