does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
