im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She tied me up with her honor cords...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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