Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
