I need help removing her.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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