Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
