I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
