There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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