You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
