I feel like I'm in dance class right now
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
