i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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