This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
