Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
