FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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