I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
