it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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