so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
