I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
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