Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Life is so much better after having sex.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
