My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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