Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize