After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
