I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
