i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
