It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
