Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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