Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
