If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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