I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize