Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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