I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
