I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize