The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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