She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
