The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
