Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
