I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
