I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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