this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
