i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize