When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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