i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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