Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize