You're my little dorito
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
