I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
