There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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