so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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