If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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