i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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