I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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