I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think my moral compass just broke
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
