Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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