wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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