Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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