Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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